I do not like Stoke City, as a football club they must be up there as one of the biggest packs of shocking cunts ever assembled. They come from city of Stoke, a place so utterly dire that Newham Council recently considered sending some of it’s most down and out citizens to live there ahead of the Olympics, presumably to get them out of sight of the world and so they can be with their own kind.

It must be quite difficult to maintain Stoke in any meaningful way, I assume that the pavements are constantly being worn out by people dragging their knuckles along them and then of course there’s the unsanitary problem of everyone dribbling all over the place. I remember being amazed once at seeing the opinion of a Stoke fan on the internet, but not because it was well thought out or reasonably presented because of course it wasn’t, it was like looking at the computerised ranting of a caveman angry at discovering that his wife had left him for a sabre-tooth tiger, the sort of occurrence one imagines would have been commonplace in pre-historic Stoke. No I was amazed because it meant at least one person in Stoke had managed to work out how to switch on and use a computer, surely the greatest accomplishment in the history of Stoke. Unless of course it was a weirdo pretending to be a Stoke fan, but let’s face it you’d have to be seriously weird to do that.

I don’t come from a particularly nice place, indeed it too is full of cavemen, morons and complete cunts. But then I don’t claim to have any pride in coming from Dover, I just do my best not to mention it and try to avoid going there whenever possible. The amusing thing about Stoke’s fans is that they seem proud of where they come from, and frankly there’s just no helping people like that. Still, at least they have a sewer that they can all communally live in and be proud of without having to bother the outside world with their relentless stupidity.

Since Stoke’s promotion to the Premier League Arsenal’s relationship with them has been somewhat strained it has to be said. We must give them their due, they have beaten us on at least two occasions I can think of (or three including a cup victory over what was essentially our reserves), and deservedly so as we inexplicably failed on both occasions to find an answer to their clogging tactics despite knowing exactly what they were going to do. At home we’ve more than had the measure of them, however it’s our encounters with them in their converted rubbish dump of a stadium that have caused most of the “controversy”. 

Of course there was the incident with Ryan Shawcross breaking Aaron Ramsey’s leg, but strangely the actual incident is not something I really hold against Stoke (I hold it against Shawcross, the clumsy clogging twat) due to the fact that we largely got our retribution on the day when we went up the other end, scored two goals and made those cunts watch us celebrating in their own stadium. The aftermath however, when Stoke seemed to revel in the limelight that was shone on them by the injury to Ramsey and the way they’ve taken any opportunity since for a public row with Arsenal because they just love being in the news for any reason, is plenty of cause for considering them tossers of the first order.

I really don’t mind physical football, I believe that there is no “right” way to play the game, the right tactics are the ones which get the most out of the group of players that you have and in Stoke’s case that means long balls and tough tackles. Fine, no issue there, and I have to say I disagree with our manager when he tries to suggest teams shouldn’t take that approach. For years, teams have taken the approach that to beat Arsenal you have to kick the shit out of them and it’s something we’ve gotten better at dealing with over the last five or six years. We simply have to be ready for what we know we’re going to face.

Victory over Stoke, home or away is always very pleasant. They’re like the proverbial junk yard dog snapping at our heels and every now and then we turn around and give them a good satisfying kick in the chops that keeps them firmly in their place. They’ve had a pretty poor season this year, which fuels hope that one happy day in the future we may see them relegated, and if so, may we be the ones to do it.

So, that’ll be all for today and if there is a moral to today’s blog it is this:

Stoke are cunts.

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  • jamrockrover  On 27/04/2012 at 2:08 pm

    I’m not quite sure about your feelings on Stoke, do you like them?

  • Leper Messiah  On 28/04/2012 at 7:17 am

    Love ’em, especially for their charm and sophistication.

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